3rd Anniversary

Nov 2006

It is hard to believe a full year has gone by since we did a proper update. The last anniversary of Max's death was truly an exhausting experience. Last year at this time we were feeling the depth of our loss while witnessing the rest of the world moving on. Rationally we know that the world keeps going even after such a light has been taken from it, but during the depths of our grief it sometimes feels unbelievable, unnatural, and almost insulting that it does. Time should stop, shouldn't it, at least for a day, to recognize the loss of our son? And yet, even we go on, and we find ourselves at the 3 year anniversary of Max's death. Grief week has begun.

Something about the change in weather as fall begins always brings about memories of Minnesota. Things we haven't thought about or talked about in months and years come back to us - a certain nurse will come to mind, moments with Grace in Max's hospital room will be remembered. Even Grace is reminded of her time there. Just when we thought she was starting to forget it all, she remembered the most obscure game she used to play at the RMH. The feelings of helplessness as we watched Max get sicker and sicker come back as well, and the fear and panic. With the best intentions, this week many people will encourage us to "be comforted by the good times we had with Max." The truth is, remembering the good times is almost more painful than remembering the bad. It is in the memories of the good times that we realize how great our loss really is, and when we miss him the most. We also miss what life could have been with him, what we had planned on it being. We mourn that Grace will never have a sibling to play with or confide in. We mourn the loss of our old selves, and the parents we used to be. Without a doubt we have tried our best to be good parents to Grace and partners to each other, and we are proud of how well we have done, but we can't help but wonder what we would be like without the weight of the last few years.

This year Grace has undergone a transformation in her understanding of and reaction to what has happened to her and her brother. She has eased up a great deal on the incessant asking for a brother or sister, though she still points out every cute baby that comes into her view. Much to our sadness, she has also chosen to keep information about her brother private from friends. At the beginning of first grade she was chosen to be student of the week. As part of the assignment and oral presentation she had to list her family members. She chose not to list her brother, which just about broke our hearts. She argued that she was afraid she would cry in class at the mention of him. She was also afraid her classmates would not believe her, and would ask too many questions. It was very painful to hear her say this, but at the same time we understood her desire to not feel so different. At times we too feel the uneasiness of others at learning our situation, and wish to be "normal." As most disagreements with her (the master negotiator) end, we compromised with her and she placed a star on our family picture to represent Max.

Grace is doing very well in all other aspects of her first grade life. Ballet and gymnastics continue along with the addition of Brownies this year. She also completed a season with the Soccer Sisters and a 2-4-2 record. Mike was the ref for almost all games, and remained (mostly) impartial to Grace's team. She is doing really well in school, and if she isn't at an extracurricular activity or on a play date, Grace can be found watching SpongeBob with her father, in her art room, or with her nose buried in a good book.

Mike continues to do well at his job, and has taken up running, with his first 5K race on Thanksgiving day. Grace and I will be there to cheer him on, and after we will head over to our favorite restaurant to stuff ourselves. With Grace in first grade, I am adjusting to an empty nest. I started off the beginning of the year full of home improvement ambition, but as time has gone by I am missing the company of my girl more and more. She grew up way too fast. I always thought I'd have Max at home when Grace started school, but now I find myself with too much alone time. I am volunteering at school and with my women's club, and am still cooking at the Ronald McDonald House, but still really feel like I need to fill my life with something else. What that is I really don't know, and am feeling extremely lost. A few moms have (innocently) commented on how wonderful it must be to have so much free time, but I'd much rather be busy chasing my son around than have extra time to complete tasks or read a book. I'd much rather have a home cluttered with toys than the neat and tidy one I have now. I am really hoping something will come to me and I will have the guidance to know what to make of this new phase of my life.

Mike and I had our 10th anniversary in February. We met in college many years ago in Italian class, and what better way to celebrate than to travel to Italy! With Grace and Granny in tow we headed to Rome to visit Margaret's sister Katie (studying there for a semester) for 10 days. We rented an apartment, visited all of the local attractions, walked a lot and ate a ton! It was the trip of a lifetime, and we were all very sad when it was time to come home. Grace asks almost every week if we can go back to Italy. This summer we attended a family reunion on the east coast, where Grace got to visit with her cousins. We ended the trip with a stay in NYC, where Grace got to attend her first Broadway show, The Lion King. We also had a fantastic trip to MOMA, and got to see the work of some of Grace's favorite artists. A few weeks ago we hosted Grace's annual Halloween party, and had a record attendance.

Best wishes to everyone this holiday season. We are very thankful for those who still support us and think of Max.

Margaret, Mike & Grace