Happy Birthday Max
July 7, 2008
Max would be 7 years old today, on what Grace would call, his “golden birthday.” It is so hard to believe 7 years have passed since his birth, and 5 ½ years since his death. How unnatural it is for a child not to be here to celebrate his birthday, and oh how we miss him every minute of every day. Just look at our beautiful boy.
Time passes so quickly, and it seems as if we just wrote our Thanksgiving update. So much has happened since then. Grace finished a very successful 3rd grade year and is busy with lots of different activities this summer, including dance, swim, pottery, guitar lessons, invention camp, and classes at the Art Institute. Mike is busy with work (as always) and is training for another run, despite a back and hamstring injury. We are both trying to live healthier, and exercise more. In an effort to combat grief last November I started attending an outdoor women’s boot camp. I must have been out of my mind at the time, but I have stuck with it, and though I am still the worst person there, I am making improvements, and feel much stronger and healthier. When Mike and I push ourselves, we do it for Max and Grace.
I have been very involved in my women’s club for many years now, and I joined it as a way of paying back all of the kindness that was shown to us when Max was sick. We do many community service projects throughout the area, and it has meant so much to me to be able to be a part of doing good. I have always done it in Max’s memory. I have been President for the past two years, and was looking forward to ending my term on a positive note this spring. Our world came crashing down around us when we learned a very close family friend, who was the treasurer of the group, had been writing herself checks since she began her term last year. Mike and I were devastated and heartbroken, as were all of the women in the group.
Grace and this woman’s daughter had been best friends since kindergarten, and our families spent many holidays and events together throughout the years. We are left feeling extremely taken advantage of, embarrassed, stressed, and worried. Since I brought her to the group I feel a tremendous weight for what she did. I know many people are furious with her and disappointed in me. While Grace does not know all of the details, she knows the families are no longer friends, and she is sad. Mike and I are confused and very hurt.
Why do I even mention this in an update on Max’s birthday? It is because it has forced me to take a very long look at myself. I realized that I have thrown myself and my family into all of this volunteering over the years not just to honor Max, not just to pay it forward, but because in some way I felt I had to atone for the fact that we could not save him. In fact, though it sounds completely nuts, it took until last November for me to actually realize that all of this volunteering was never going to bring him back. And while I attribute the volunteering to helping save us, and especially me, from the depths of grief, I must admit that I used it too much as a crutch. It became too much of who I was as a person, and when someone I thought was a friend destroyed what I had worked so hard on, it really took a toll, and continues to do so. My mother tells me my former friend’s actions do not negate the work that our group did over the years, it is just heart breaking for it to end this way.
So where does this leave things? Mike is encouraging me to take control over my life and start working on myself for a change. Exercise is a part of it, as is my enrollment in graduate school next fall. I will continue to volunteer, but hopefully have a healthier outlook on it. And, as always, we are trying hard to keep focused on the positive things in our lives, even as the grief and sadness try to weigh us down.
One positive will always be an excuse to entertain and to be among friends. This 4th of July we threw our biggest outdoor party ever and though it rained on us, we did hear Grace tell her friend's little brother that she was sure that her brother would be friends with him if he were alive. She spoke so matter-of-factly and confidently about what kind of person her brother would be that it was another remarkable reminder of how her strength comes from the purest, most direct, emotionally hopeful place. Spending as much time as we do with this family and with this little brother, I'm sure she's right!
While one person did so much damage to our lives, we have to think about all of the people who jumped in to help during this episode. We are blessed to have some very smart and professional friends to advise us and step in when needed. And it reminds us of all of the other people who have come to our aid over the years, and put up with the fact that we are absolutely and forever changed by the loss of our son. Whether it be a family member who took off work to spend time with us in Minnesota, a long-lost cousin who drove up on Thanksgiving and packed up our belongings to move them back home after Max died, a mom who befriended me after Grace announced to her new pre-school classmates that her brother had just died, a new friend who takes the time to learn about our experience, and especially for those who remember our precious boy - we are grateful for you. We are so grateful for the brief time we had with Max, for our wonderful daughter, and for each other.
Happy Birthday, Max. Every ounce of us loves and misses you so very, very much.
~Margaret & Mike
Max would be 7 years old today, on what Grace would call, his “golden birthday.” It is so hard to believe 7 years have passed since his birth, and 5 ½ years since his death. How unnatural it is for a child not to be here to celebrate his birthday, and oh how we miss him every minute of every day. Just look at our beautiful boy.
Time passes so quickly, and it seems as if we just wrote our Thanksgiving update. So much has happened since then. Grace finished a very successful 3rd grade year and is busy with lots of different activities this summer, including dance, swim, pottery, guitar lessons, invention camp, and classes at the Art Institute. Mike is busy with work (as always) and is training for another run, despite a back and hamstring injury. We are both trying to live healthier, and exercise more. In an effort to combat grief last November I started attending an outdoor women’s boot camp. I must have been out of my mind at the time, but I have stuck with it, and though I am still the worst person there, I am making improvements, and feel much stronger and healthier. When Mike and I push ourselves, we do it for Max and Grace.
I have been very involved in my women’s club for many years now, and I joined it as a way of paying back all of the kindness that was shown to us when Max was sick. We do many community service projects throughout the area, and it has meant so much to me to be able to be a part of doing good. I have always done it in Max’s memory. I have been President for the past two years, and was looking forward to ending my term on a positive note this spring. Our world came crashing down around us when we learned a very close family friend, who was the treasurer of the group, had been writing herself checks since she began her term last year. Mike and I were devastated and heartbroken, as were all of the women in the group.
Grace and this woman’s daughter had been best friends since kindergarten, and our families spent many holidays and events together throughout the years. We are left feeling extremely taken advantage of, embarrassed, stressed, and worried. Since I brought her to the group I feel a tremendous weight for what she did. I know many people are furious with her and disappointed in me. While Grace does not know all of the details, she knows the families are no longer friends, and she is sad. Mike and I are confused and very hurt.
Why do I even mention this in an update on Max’s birthday? It is because it has forced me to take a very long look at myself. I realized that I have thrown myself and my family into all of this volunteering over the years not just to honor Max, not just to pay it forward, but because in some way I felt I had to atone for the fact that we could not save him. In fact, though it sounds completely nuts, it took until last November for me to actually realize that all of this volunteering was never going to bring him back. And while I attribute the volunteering to helping save us, and especially me, from the depths of grief, I must admit that I used it too much as a crutch. It became too much of who I was as a person, and when someone I thought was a friend destroyed what I had worked so hard on, it really took a toll, and continues to do so. My mother tells me my former friend’s actions do not negate the work that our group did over the years, it is just heart breaking for it to end this way.
So where does this leave things? Mike is encouraging me to take control over my life and start working on myself for a change. Exercise is a part of it, as is my enrollment in graduate school next fall. I will continue to volunteer, but hopefully have a healthier outlook on it. And, as always, we are trying hard to keep focused on the positive things in our lives, even as the grief and sadness try to weigh us down.
One positive will always be an excuse to entertain and to be among friends. This 4th of July we threw our biggest outdoor party ever and though it rained on us, we did hear Grace tell her friend's little brother that she was sure that her brother would be friends with him if he were alive. She spoke so matter-of-factly and confidently about what kind of person her brother would be that it was another remarkable reminder of how her strength comes from the purest, most direct, emotionally hopeful place. Spending as much time as we do with this family and with this little brother, I'm sure she's right!
While one person did so much damage to our lives, we have to think about all of the people who jumped in to help during this episode. We are blessed to have some very smart and professional friends to advise us and step in when needed. And it reminds us of all of the other people who have come to our aid over the years, and put up with the fact that we are absolutely and forever changed by the loss of our son. Whether it be a family member who took off work to spend time with us in Minnesota, a long-lost cousin who drove up on Thanksgiving and packed up our belongings to move them back home after Max died, a mom who befriended me after Grace announced to her new pre-school classmates that her brother had just died, a new friend who takes the time to learn about our experience, and especially for those who remember our precious boy - we are grateful for you. We are so grateful for the brief time we had with Max, for our wonderful daughter, and for each other.
Happy Birthday, Max. Every ounce of us loves and misses you so very, very much.
~Margaret & Mike
posted by Mike Ciacciarelli
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